Puppy love all about my boys

Teenagers and young students having girlfriends/boyfriends has become very common nowadays. I was curious about this phenomenon and tried to explore the reasons for this, the consequences of this and to learn how to handle this. I spoke to a lot of people and this is what I discovered.

Reasons for such relationships include curiosity, sense of adventure, peer pressure, lack of relationships through significant others (parents, teachers, adults) who do not give them the attention they  deserve, attraction, media exposure (TV, movies, visuals in newspapers), boredom, too much money, unsupervised time, rebellion due to untrusting adults who spy on kids and who jump to conclusions, loneliness, feel good factor, too many restrictions at home  due to orthodox atmosphere which can be stifling.

Many feel there is nothing wrong in having a relationship and it is not like it is a “bad” habit. Girls feel that other girls cannot be trusted as they gossip behind their backs and feel guys are more straightforward and trustworthy which eventually may end up in a relationship.

According to Malathi, a high school teacher with more than a decade of experience, this is also due to what she calls “puppy love”. Small puppies often follow someone blindly till the end of a territory. Once this territory is passed, they stop and go back realizing their boundaries. Boys too have a “playing field” and play in a particular territory (in school, in front of friends). They do not take girls home for permanent relationships. The logic given is “even the girl wanted it and knew what she was getting into, so whats wrong in doing it!”.

Dealing with teenage relationships:

n Adults might keep communication channels open with kids, be approachable, give attention, show love through gestures and not just feel silent love. Have frank and open discussion including sex education.

n Educate them that feeling attracted is normal at this age and that it is a passing phase. Acknowledge their feelings instead of making them feel guilty that it is unhealthy to have such feelings. Those that were taught that these feelings were unhealthy or such feelings were a taboo; these kids grow into adults who ogle pointedly at people of the opposite sex, even after marriage and having grown up kids.

n Be aware of reasons why kids may want to get into relationships and try to satisfy the reasons yourself to the extent possible. For example, enroling kids in adventure activities might satisy this urge in a healthy way.

n Educate the kids and make them realize why it is important to make a life for themselves first before thinking of other relationships .

n Make kids realize that while studies guarantee a better future, there are no such guarantees for romantic relationships. Studies have more chances than love in helping them achieve their career goals.

*According to recent studies, it is better to enrol the kid in a co-educational institute rather than an all boys/ all girls school, as it does not leave them feeling starved of contact with the opposite sex.

* Teach kids to mingle with the opposite sex in a respectable manner. Parents can encourage kids to do projects together in a big gang, invite friends home, mingle freely in front of everyone and not in privacy. Such minglings can take care of satisfying attractions natural at that age. It is the one on one mingling in privacy which should be discouraged.

*Too much policing backfires. We have all heard about the “quiet and timid” girl who suddenly eloped one day whereas the “bold and loud” girl who everyone thought would elope never crossed her boundaries.

*Enrol kids in NGOs involved in charity work, sports or to pursue a hobby seriously to channelize their spare time constructively. Even parents can get involved together in these activities to have quality time together with their kids.

*Educate boys to respect girls as an individual and not as a commodity to enjoy or use for their selfish needs. Educate girls to respect boys as an individual and not to use them as “order suppliers” for their various material desires like getting chocolates or other gifts.

* Understand that “love” comes in different avatars – parental love, friendship love, love for a pet, etc. Often, if kids get love in a certain avatar, that is usually enough to satisfy them and they may not look for it elsewhere in a different avatar.

*Choose your battles wisely. So long as the major aspects like studies, overall development and behaviour are on track, turn a bling eye to minor irritants. Else you may force the kid to rebel against you with disastrous consequences for both. There are no winners in this battle.

Lastly, even with all this knowledge, if the kid, especially girl kid, still goes ahead with a grilfriend or boyfriend and faces a “breakup”, be there with her.

Support her to get over it instead of cutting off all communications with her. Isn’t this what “love” is ultimately - unconditional? And if you still think she made a mistake... So, she made a mistake. Don’t we all?

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