Posted by3 years ago
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So I've only started dating this girl recently I think she's amazing but recently I have realised I made a mistake by commenting on small things and for me someone who has never been in a relationship with someone who has borderline personality disorder it is incredibly frustrating. Though I am not one to leave her because of her disorder I want us to find a way around it but in the past few days I've come across a few problems. One of which is when I complimented her on her blonde dyed hair(she does not have blonde hair anymore). Whenever I told her she looked beautiful she took it as an offence she went on to say how's she thought she wasn't good enough for me and that I somehow thought she was ugly or not appealing at all to meI didn't know at the time she had bpd though so as you might think I was sorta frustrated and confused becauss it wasn't my intention to her or make her feel ugly, I've come to realise that this usually happens at night more specifically from 9pm to 1am and whenever this happens I would have to reassure her that I do infact like her very much. But I came up with a ground rule so that whenever she has her down moment I leave her alone for half an hour to give her time to come down I was wondering if this was a good idea or not and if anyone could give me some advice or even some personal advice on how you dealt with a partner who had bpd.
Hi I edited this to make what my retelling of the events sound more clear and concise from my last post, and added some more questions I had from the last time I posted this that I didn't get to ask before, so sorry if you already read this or answered this 😊
Hi, I met a man from tinder with quiet borderline personality disorder and we dated for about 3-4 weeks. When we first started dating I noticed how sweet and caring he was and this is what I was very attracted to him for. He seemed like a genuinely good and kind person, who cares about other people and puts other people 1st. He was very high functioning, works as a correctional officer, has his own place, tries to eat healthy and is always constantly working out.
When we 1st met, what I also noticed is that he loved to read and when he realized I like to read as well, latley especially comics and graphic novels, he showed interest, and showed that he liked or was interested in doing the same, and would ask me for recommendations, so I liked the fact that we also had similar interests.
He was very loving and affectionate at the begging (from dates 1-3) and flirty, even through text, he was always using heart emojis and calling me names like sweetheart and angel. He would end each date by giving me really long hugs, which felt caring, and like he wanted me to be there, more than the other people I've gone out with in the past, and comforting. By the second date, he was telling me that he felt lucky to have met someone like me, and how much fun he has with me.
He would also be caring by telling me that I could call him and talk to him whenever I wanted to if something was troubling me because I was important to him, and he cared about me, when one night I told him that I haven't been sleeping much the past week because my thoughts and daily stress have been keeping me up latley. This made me feel like he genuinely cared about me as a person and my feelings and what happens in my life.
And by the third date, we hung out at his place and he was always constantly hugging me and wanting to be close and kissing me and being very affectionate, there felt like there was alot of chemistry there between us, and I felt like I was growing closer to him and it felt like I had finally met someone who was perfect for me. Well at the end of the 3rd date, he had asked me to make things offical between us and for us to be in an offical relationship. I really wanted to, but felt like 3 dates was still too early no matter how awesome they have been for me to be able to take that step. Instead of saying yes, I told him I really really liked him, but I need more time, and asked if we could go on a few more dates so I can keep getting to know him more, and then I can answer this on our 5th or 6th date, because although I loved everything I knew about him so far, with my past relationship and people I've gone out with before, everything was very rushed and fast which left me getting really hurt in the end, and i explained this to him. Also because I had just met him off of tinder and only knew him for only 3 weeks, I felt like I didn't fully know enough about him yet, and wanted a bit more time to get to know him, so it was me just saying I'd love to, but I need a bit more time to feel comfortable enough to and can I please get back to you about that after another 2 or 3 dates because 3 dates only felt too fast for me. I also said I wanted to talk to him about some personal things that I wasn't sure how he'd feel about 1st before I can answer that question because they might be issues for him later on and I wanted to be open and honest and considerate of his feelings. Normally I'd never feel comfortable bringing up something so personal when I haven't known someone for very long, but I didn't want to say yes and then for these personal issues to come out later and find out they're deal breakers for him later on after more time had been invested and emotions and then breakup, leaving both of us hurt. I didn't want to waste his or my time and tries to be fair to him. So I said can we also talk about something that might be a possible issue for u or make u feel differently 1st so that I can see how u feel about it 1st to be fair to u, before we decide.
The issue I wanted to talk to him about was that I don't have a good relationship with my family because my parents have been very abusive growing up since I was young, and thus, they won't really be around in my life, or apart of it and thus, if we got together, they wouldn't be apart of his either. I wanted to know if he'd be ok with that since he's close to his family and I know it can be hard for people who are, or haven't had a similar experience to understand sometimes, or that sometimes people who are close to theirs want to be with another person who is also close to theirs as well... so I wanted to be honest from the start that that wasn't going to be the case for me, and then let him decide how he feels about me afterwards. We didn't get to talk about it on that day, but we were able to the next day when I returned home from the date over the phone (which was a Sunday).
He told me that stuff with my family didn't change his mind about me, and that when I do feel comfortable with being offical, to let him know, and that he saw me as kind, sweet and pure and nothing would chnage his mind about me. This was also when he disclosed to me that he had borderline personality disorder because I disclosed something personal to him, and after asking him, he also told me he is not taking any medication for it or seeking any therapy for it such as DBT. Now I know this disorder very well because my mom has a severe case of it, which leads to her acting abusive towards me. But she has the classic bpd which comes out in extreme anger out of nowhere and horrible name calling and saying the worst possible things to me. However, I didn't want to judge him off of that, and each person is different and each person's experience with mental illness is different and to different degrees, and since I didn't see him acting the same way as her in anger and or degrading me or putting me down, I thought it would be ok, so I told him it didn't bother me and doesn't make me see him differently, which was true, I still wanted to make things work between us.
I realized also after having that talk with him about personal family issues that I was nervous about might change his mind about me, I felt more ready and comfortable to now say yes to being offical, and that reassurance was what I needed, but I felt like it's something I should say to him the next time we hung out in person, and not through text or over the phone, so I was waiting until our next date.
Well I noticed that the next day, he started to sound more cold and distant when he would talk to me through text. (This was a monday) It sounded very dry than before and even when I was trying to be flirty and affectionate he wasn't reciprocating anymore, and we talked less and less and when we did, it would sound more cold. He wasn't being mean or anything, but it sounded more cold and like he wasn't as interested in talking to me as much anymore, or like he was talking to a friend rather than a girl he was interested in romantically like before. On wednesday of that week, he vent to me about how stressed work was making him feel, and I tried to be there for him by being encouraging and telling him to not let it get to him or what others say there get to him because he's better than that and them, and I told him we could vent to me and talk to me anytime something was bothering him because I cared and him and I was asking him if there was anything i could do to help? I also said I was sorry I couldn't ve there in person right now and comfort him, but that I'd hug him and be there for him and try to cheer him up the next time we hung out in person, to which I got no response, it sounded like he didn't care that I said that or was trying to be affectionate and caring which also felt cold... We had also decided on our last date that for our next date, we'd have a movie night at his place, we did this for our 3rd date too and I had slept over at his place last time and I wanted to he considerate about his scheduale, and not stay over if he'd be in a rush and busy the next morning, so he had said before that hed get back to me about if I should stay over next time we hangout again. So on the during that next week I'd ask if should or of he wants me to to follow up on that and so I'd know kf o should pack some stuff before our 4th date arrives which was supposed to be on the Friday of that week. Each time I asked, I got answers like "I don't mind either way, whatever u want, and I can't make decisions for u" this also sounded more cold than how he'd usually talk to me and harsh.
Also then after 2 days of noticing he sounded different, on the wednesday of that week after he vented to me about work, I had just also asked him on the phone if everything between us was still ok as well, or if I had done something that may have bothered him because his tone sounded more cold and distant than usual this past week, He said no of course you didn't and then left it there without any further explanation. Well the next day (Thursday) he still didn't sound the same, so I had asked one more time if he was sure everything was ok and if he was ok (I also asked this bec6je vented to me ankit how work made him feel horrible the night before, and I wanted to make sure he was ok because I cared) again said everything was fine and no further explanation, but things kept sounding off and different. and then friday comes around, the day we were supposed to hang out again for our 4th date, but he canceled in the morning, saying it was because he felt sick, and hours past since I heard from him, so I texted him to ask him how he was doing, we then ended up talked on the phone, and I asked again if he was ok and if there was anything I could do to help him feel better? And he said he was actually already feeling alot better now than from the morning, I also had asked him if there was another day he would want to reschedule our next date, he paused and didn't answer and sounded hesitant so I said, or if you don't want to that's ok too, just let me know please, and then he said "you know the more you say that and the more you ask about if we're ok multiple times and of u could stay over the next time multiple times after I already answered it, u are pushing me away further."
I had then said I'm so sorry of I gave you the wrong impression by asking you those questions multiple times or of it came off annoying, and that I didn't mean for it to come out that way, and I explained to him that the only reason I asked him more than once if we were still ok was because he sounded differently and colder than usual this week, and I cared about him and his feelings so I was worried and wanted to make sure he was ok and that everything was ok especially after having a talk with him a week before about personal things and then seeing that chnage, just wanted to make sure it also wasn't because of that or me or anything I said? And I was telling him that although he did say we were fine once, we didn't get to talk about it much after that or go into any detail and even after that, things still felt different, so I just wanted time make sure, and that I brought it up again because I was thinking we could talk it out better now that we both had a day off and more time to talk about it properly if things were off or seemed like they still were.
I also explained to him that I asked him more than once about if I should stay over again after our next date because with the answers he gave above, wasn't sure what to make of those answers. Because I didn't feel like it was up to me to decide that, it wasn't my place, or house, I can't invite myself over to someone elses house like that and just force myself to stay? So I wanted to check to see how he felt about it and vibe considerate of that, and with his answers, it didn't seem like he really wanted me there or like he was excited at all for me to be as you'd usually expect someone to be if they liked you, I'd rather have had a yes or no, so it was confusing for me, and that's why I asked more than once because I didn't know want to make of it and how he felt. But he took it as me being indecisive and not being able to decide, when u was like no...I ofc would want to because I'd love to spend more time with u, it's not that, it's that I care about how u feel about it and from your answers it felt like I wasn't sure how u felt about it or if u wanted me there...I then said I'm sorry again if what I said ir asked was interpreted the wrong way or came off as annoying or anything and that it wasn't my intention, and that sometimes it happens through texting and talking things through that are just small misunderstandings like this are probably better in person.
After explaining all of that, he said he wanted to meet that night after all, so we did and I told him that now I felt ready to make things offical between us, he then told me that he no longer feels the same way about me with how he did a week ago because 1) when I didn't say yes to him right away when he asked the week before, he said "he felt like he poured his heart out to me, and with me not saying yes, he felt rejected." But I was telling him, I never rejected you tho, and that I was so sorry if I made him feel that way, that I really liked him even from the start, but just needed time, and if I didn't want this to workout then I wouldn't still be here, and that I never even said no, I just said that I needed time, and wanted to talk about some things first because I wanted to be considerate of his feelings! And that I was saying yes now, so ofc I wanted to be with him!
he then said but with my last ex, she was married before and had an affair on her then husband, and she didn't tell me for a while, because she was scared I'd judge her and hate her for it, but when she did, I didn't judge her for that, so why would I judge you for difficult aspects of your past and family history and why would that bother me?!
And I was confused about this because I was like ok, but we never talked about your past dating history like that before just right now, i didn't know any if that about your ex, so how would I know that u wouldn't judge difficult aspects of my life because you didn't judge hers!? How would I magically know that without him telling me those details on his own?? I'm not a mind reader, And the whole point of me trying to talk to him about my family history and tell him about my relationship with my family WAS SO THAT I COULD GET TO KNOW HOW HE FEELS ABOUT IT! That was the whole point!!! I can't just magically expect to know how he feels about it all, without asking?!
He made it sound like I should have just said yes making things offical, and have just known he'd be ok with my family relationship dynamic without any reason to assume so, or that I should have brought it up later on after saying yes to him instead of before, which didn't make sense to me because isn't being open and honest a good thing? Wouldn't someone rather me be open with them from the get go alot something that might potentially be an issue for them and then let them decide, rather than hide it and then surprise them with a potential issue later on?
He then said if you said yes, I'm gonna be there for the good and bad with you! But I didn't understand, if you actually care about someone, why should now change that and if I say yes a week later, and again, how would I know that without asking?!
And 3) he said he doesn't feel the same way anymore about me because I asked him multiple times if things between he and I were ok and if he was ok (asked 2 or 3 times in total, on 3 separate days) and because I asked him about whether he wants me to stay over the next time we hangout more than once, which again I only did for the reasons I said above, because his answers made me feel confused and like he didn't really want me there so i didn't know what to make of them... and I thought they were minor things that we could just talk about.
And i had told him i wasn't trying to be annoying by asking him if we were ok and if he was ok more than once, I only asked because i cared about him and his feelings, and was worried when I noticed things felt different and because I was worried I just wanted to talk it out, and communication is important to me.
He said it made me sound insecure tho. When no, I noticed something that bothered me, so I brought it up, if I was going to be insecure, then I'd notice something that bothers me and not say anything at all and just keep quiet and act like it doesn't matter and let it keep happening... I brought it up when I felt like things were off and when something bothered me because I thought talking about it and communication is better than saying nothing at all, and I assumed if I I feel worried about something and that person cares about me, then it should he ok to talk to them about it, and like I said if I'm asking stuff like that there has to be a reason, and I'm obviously doing it because I care and I am worried, and I thought he'd understand that and atleast see that I'm asking how he's doing and if we're ok because I care and me asking that shows that and wouldn't be a big deal...
It just felt like what he was upset about was so minor, amd jist a misunderstanding if anything that could have easily been solved if just talked oit together properly on person that's all, I just needed some communication and some sort of explanation, even if he had bjst said "oh don't worry I've just been acting different because of work or something!" But he didn't give any explanation and then kept acting cold and distant and that's what worried me and made me ask if we were ok and if he was more than once..
It just didn't feel like a big enough thing to lose feelings over someone for that you a week ago had said you'd never view them differently and were lucky to have met them and wanted to be offical with them..and to forget the good moments u did have with that person, just over them asking u questions multiple times because they were worried. He said he was not use to girls asking him that more than once about that stuff, who he wasn't offical with, but he wanted to make things offical a week ago, to me this would make me feel like there has been enough time there to develop some sort of care about the other person and their feelings, and just because we weren't offical yet, didn't mean I didn't care about him and his feelings...I thought he would atleast see and knew that me asking that wasn't meant maliciously at all and is atleast done out of care when I felt like something wasn't ok...
It hurts alot to see someone tell u that they no longer have feelings for you LITERALLY a week later, when literally a week ago they were praising u and telling u nothing would chnage their mind about you and telling you that they loved how I was always honest with them etc.
And then to chnage their mind over something so small, like he was ok with all the personal bigger family stuff I tood him and said that wouldn't chnage his mind and nothing would, and me just asking him questions more than once out of worry and care was enough to do so?!...
And I felt like if u really want to be with someone and truly care about them, then you'd understand if they need some time to feel comfortable with being offical with you and still be there for them, what difference did me saying yes a week later make if he meant the things he said before? We were already only seeing eachother exclusively and he knew I was giving this all my 100% too and that I just needed time.
It makes me feel horrible and makes me think what if he's right and i did something wrong, and I messed up something good that i could have had with a good guy?
He also told me it's not just me, even when his parents ask him how hes doing or feeling, he doesn't like it and then he proceeded to show me an instagram qoute about how if you're with a cop, don't be surprised if he doesn't want to talk or acts cold sometimes. Which I was like ok...but I'm not forcing u to talk about work, or anything, I had just told him if he was ever stressed and needed to vent or for someone to be there for him, then he could talk to me IF HE WANTED TO. I told him I'd understand if he didn't want to and he didn't have to. I was just asking him before how he was doing because HE was the one who called me and vented to me about work on the previous Wednesday FIRST, and I was just asking him the next day if he was feeling better to check up, since he himself told me he felt bad the day before, and I cared about him...
I just wanted to know, do you think I messed things up? Should I have just said yes when he asked to being offical right away the 1st time? And should I have not asked him if everything between us was ok when I felt like his tone was off and sounded different towards me than usual and more cold? Was it my mistake that I asked more than once if tbinhs between us were ok, even after he answered it once, even if things still didn't sound ok afterwards and I shouldn't have, or should I had just not said anything? Was I overthinking it?
And if a girl or someone you are dating who you claimed to he really into before, asked you if things were ok between you two because you sounded more cold and distant than before more than once, would that really be a reason for you to lose feelings for them? Is he acting this way because of his disorder? Or did I act wrong? And can you have a happy and successful relationship truly with someone with quiet borderline personality disorder? And since I'm not use to quiet bpd, does everyone with quiet bpd split as well, can you have bpd without splitting? And when they do split, is it always the extreme "I have you, you're evil," etc and very means projections, or can it just simply be them losing interest in you and just being a little colder or passive aggression, without going to an extreme end of being mean and cruel with what they say to you?
Because I'm use to my mother with her traditional bpd painting me black and screaming at me and calling me names such as garbage and useless etc, but I'm not sure how quiet bpds act when they split on you or paint you black or if he did if it wasn't as outwardly mean and cruel with how he was talking to me as when she does.
When I also asked him what happens when he gets bpd episodes, he says he just gets really depressed and that's it, which can't be true right because you have to have 5 out of 9 symptoms to be diagnosed with bpd, and fluctuating moods from ok to depressed is just one of them? And if it really is just that, someone being depressed wouldn't be a warning sign for me, so I'm just confused? He also said in most cases people with bpd would need therapy permanently, but he isn't foing any currently, so that means he gas the awareness to know bpd is a serious thing that requires treatment, but he thinks for him it doesn't?
Btw sorry for the really long post, but I needed to vent and feel horrible, like I messed something up with a good guy by hesitating to say yes and asking questions multiple times and worrying when i shouldn't have?